Another Scourge Across America, The Race to Cure EOTS

This reporter has stumbled upon yet another severe and potentially fatal national outbreak, and I suggest we contact the authorities posthaste. Yes, EOT, otherwise known as Email and Online Tourette's Syndrome.

Wait, no, we shouldn’t delay until posthaste. Not after haste, but we should jump on this prehaste if not before! We need to get word to the CDC!

And I am not referring to the infamous – or perhaps famous. I don’t know. Maybe the dreaded or possibly the non-threatening hackers known as the Cult of the Dead Cow. Although a hacker group formed in the early 1980s whose founding members included Sid Vicious, a guy named Grandmaster Ratte, and whose membership included a gentleman named Drunkfux – which was a nom de plume for Jesse Dryden, who was the son of Jefferson Airplane drummer Spencer Dryden and grandnephew of Charlie Chaplin

(Young folks, ask your parents) can’t be all bad – or all good. And lest we forget, in 1991, the Cult of the Dead Cow was named the “Sassiest Underground Computer Group” by Sassy magazine!

And when I cite the CDC, I certainly am not asserting that we should report this dire circumstance with haste if not urgency or celerity, fleetness, swiftness, or even speediness to The Canadian Dairy Commission, although perchance they should be notified - as a courtesy. No sir or ma’am. Countrypersons to whom I now implore. I refer to the all-knowing Center for Disease Control. Okay, those folks who call Atlanta, Georgia home, may not be ALL knowing but they know a bunch of stuff.

Now, I have been researching infectious diseases, and I have culled from the available data that some of these contagious diseases – of which I feel this qualifies – can be passed from person to person. Although the CDC will have to narrow down the specifics regarding this particular malady, these infectious and fractious diseases are caused by organisms like bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites. These microbial pests are often harmless, but I am afraid they have caused a possible dreadful DEFCON 5-level pestilence in this case.

The symptoms vary but often include fatigue, fever, muscle and headaches, diarrhea, rashes, sudden vision problems, sweating and swelling. Be on the lookout for these “first signs of impending doom.

The ailment, the condition I refer to, originates back to the late 19th century and was first identified by a French neurologist. It is described as a neurological disorder characterized by involuntary tics and vocalizations and often the compulsive utterance of obscenities. Yes, country folks. I refer to what that long-gone neurologist called "maladie des tics." Furthermore, I discovered that it is improper to call him a neurologist because there was no such thing as a neurologist in the late 1800’s.

I guess they couldn’t afford the specialty education classes back then – No PELL grants and such. Nevertheless, Gilles de la Tourette identified way back in the 19th century what we now know as Tourette’s syndrome.

  And now, I have identified a new and much more socially menacing version of the syndrome.

I want to put forward and suggest to the medical community and the community at large that we call this new social menace FACETWITT EMTEXT I&AS. (Short for Facebook, Twitter, Email, and Text Incivility and Audacity syndrome).

Like many a disease, malady, illness, condition, or plague when first noted, there were few cases, and most were mild, but as time passed. The condition has gone untreated, we are seeing an increase in severity, and the numbers are growing. I trace the disorder back several years when simple little frowny-face mojos were attached to correspondence or response to the quarry.

As the infliction became more advanced, the frowny-faced mojos turned to short quips like “Really,” “Seriously,” “You’re kidding, right?”. The malady appeared to progress and speed up. Respondents began to CAPITALIZE “REALLY,” “SERIOUSLY,” and “YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?” The capitalization was soon followed by overuse of punctuation like “REALLY!!!??” “SERIOUSLY?!!??” In the final stage, the afflicted can negotiate little more than a $@!*.  Like driving past a deadly car accident or coming upon a leper colony, you want to turn away but must look. It is truly heartbreaking.

As I continued to observe the severity and growth of the condition, I began to take notes as to when this was most likely to occur and to develop methods to quarantine or stabilize the intensifying and spreading affliction. To this point, my efforts have fallen short of my initial expectations, so I must reach out now to the entire nation. I fear there will need to be a national effort to defeat and purge this dastardly bastard – FACETWITT EMTEXT.

I hasten to report that the symptomology now includes downright cursing, degrading themselves and others, as well as personal attacks that appear to focus on ethnicity, culture, as well as religious and political beliefs.  

I have noted that as the affliction continues to progress in the individual, I have been able to sight the emergence of illogical thought patterns, delusions, sudden recognition of false gods and hero worshiping, a belief in facts that don’t exist, belief in things that exist in which there are no facts! I have noted that when interacting with subjects on Twitter, it is evident that their pulse has increased, and subjects seem to sweat when attempting to respond coherently. I witnessed the verbal drool of infected respondents as they struggled. It is genuinely grueling to observe.

As I mentioned, the CDC  - Center for Disease Control - not Cult of the Dead Cow or The Canadian Dairy Commission -   must narrow down the specifics regarding this contagion. I sighted studies noting causation via organisms like bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites, and my initial research has uncovered that the subjects studied show a history that may point to the sickness possibly being connected to watching insincere politicians, prime time cable news personalities, and radio talk show hosts.

Suggested treatment may be spending time with neighbors, friends, and/or family. Making new friends, reading and watching television and movies for fun and entertainment, and not taking oneself too seriously. Also, we should not fear the future because it is coming regardless. Scared, prepared, ready, or not.

Note: To those afflicted with Tourettes and their defenders, I understand that Tourettes is NOT a disease, nor does it originate via bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites. I support their battle and look to the day when there is a cure. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/tourette/treatments.html.